Part 134: Chapter the Second: "Has The God-King Bitten Off More Than He Can Chew?"
Chapter the Second: "Has The God-King Bitten Off More Than He Can Chew?"August 3, 2022-September 9, 2022
Over the next month we'll see both the opening of our Premier League season, learn who we'll face in the Champions League, and the US Men's National Team will play their first games with me at the helm. It should be exciting, if exhausting.
Come on, this job isn't that bad! Not even an obscure Frenchman will Ass Man for me.
Oh, I see. He can also wear two hats. Well, that makes things much easier, I had initially decided to hire Williams and use Wrexham's higher prestige level to hire a new Ass Man, instead Williams is good for both jobs.
Yes, get suckered into my mind games. Lose your cool and your players respect.
vs. Manchester City, August 7, 2022
Community Shield
Go out there and get me a trophy. I don't care if we're up against Manchester City.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control.
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Laux, Todd, Loseille, Morvan, Petts, Collett, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Reed, Feruga, Mair, Bailey, Taborda, Cardozo.
It's still even after the first half, and while City have been slightly better we've had chances of our own. I switch us to the counter, trying to break up the low tempo stalemate, and it results in more opportunities for both sides. Howard Webb tries to give us the screw job in the 64th minute by awarding Manchester City a soft penalty, but Kovacevic saves the effort. We still fall behind after a defensive miscommunication five minutes later, and that's all City need as our finishing is abominable. We cannot pick out an equalizer, and a trophy slips away again thanks in part to terrible refereeing.
Wrexham 0-1 Man City
The good news is that our players rarely actually commit a penalty kick worthy infraction. The bad news is that every single upjumped zebra seems to have it out for us. Pathetic.
You're a doody head.
At this rate I'm never going to get in trouble with the FA because all the penalty shouts against us are bullroar. But the next time we get even a deserved penalty, or a soft penalty shout turned down, I'm going to go after them at full volume. This is my 10th year as a manager and I've never once gotten a touchline ban for being a jackass.
Bailey won't be on the field enough to be captain, but he'll make a good vice to Mujkic.
This makes me concerned about the political situation in the Congo, but I guess I'll have to find a different patsy to thump on come October.
Relations with North Korea have been much better since Kimye were installed as Dear Leaders after the first free and fair election in DPRK's history back in 2019 after Kim Jong Un suffered a fatal accident while skiing. All it takes is a call to Minister of Foreign Affairs Dennis Rodman, and the North Koreans are coming to America.
My efforts to sign more young Americans fails again more as centerback Chris Ramirez broke his leg while playing Soccour (a new eXtreme sport that mixes Soccer and Parkour, all the rage among teens without much common sense these days) and failed his medical just before the transfer was to go through.
At West Ham United, August 13, 2022
Premier League
West Ham just got themselves promoted again, lets see how they match up to us:
We should be winning this game in a walk.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control.
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Laux, Todd, Feruga, Morvan, Petts, Collett, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Reed, Hammatt, Mair, Bailey, Taborda, Cardozo.
Matty Collett earns us a rare penalty in the 10th minute, which the Golden Boy converts. For the rest of the half we have trouble keeping possession, but it comes to nothing for the Hammers. When play resumes we look dangerous again, but there's no joy for our efforts, and we're lucky when West Ham's equalizer is whistled offside. It's a frustrating win, we had tons of chances and yet still nearly dropped points.
Man of the Match: Chris Todd
West Ham 0-1 Wrexham
That's £4.5m more than last year, it looks like our season ticket sales had been surpressed by the small capacity at the old Racecourse Grounds.
We had 24,500 attend a match that was over an hour drive from Wrexham. The refurbished Racecourse Grounds will seat about 25,000. I'm optimistic about our chances of filling it come next year.
It's going to be hard to get the United States into the top 5 or so of the FIFA rankings. As members of a fairly weak conference we only have one very good team (Mexico) that we'll regularly play major international games against. It's hard to raise your rank too high when you're regularly playing against minnows. My goal is to win the Gold Cup in 2023 and 2025, as well as make a strong push to win the Confederations Cup in 2025, so that we're seeded and don't face a Group of Death situation when it comes to drawing the 2026 World Cup.
I should probably actually manage the team before I start making plans that far out, though.
These injuries are coming just as I'm preparing the roster for my first international friendlies.
vs. Chelsea, August 20, 2022
Premier League
This will be a good early test for us. Chelsea is still a very dangerous team, and if we're not careful they could certainly walk away with all the points. I'd like to see our offense come to life, we didn't crush any of our minnow pre-season opponents and we've scored just one goal in the last two games.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Laux, Todd, Suslov, Morvan, Petts, Collett, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: El Sayed, Reed, Feruga, Mair, Bailey, Taborda, Cardozo.
Our players have forgotten how to kick the ball. We get just five of our eighteen shots on target, and not a single one of them gets to the back of the net. Chelsea is happy to let us have a kickaround, we rack up 58% possession on the day, but their defense prevents us from creating many chances and their counter attack breaks through in the 71st minute to put us behind. Once again we go scoreless, and an offense that rang up goal after goal last year has been subdued and listless in our first three real games.
Wrexham 0-1 Chelsea
I don't foresee making any moves in the final week of the window. We've already brought in over a dozen players when you count our youth purchases, and I'm willing to give Piero Argenti a chance to prove himself on the right wing behind Matty Collett.
That also means no sales. One thing that FM doesn't do well is simulate just how much money the very biggest teams will spend on players, Barcelona not spending over £39m on a single player in the past 9 years is very unrealistic. I mean, they're expected to offer close to £80m in real life on Luis Suarez this summer... and Suarez is banned from all footballing for the next four months.
Champions League money means that it's time for the Champions League draw.
Our trip to the Quarterfinals of the CL last year has improved us from a four seed to a three seed, but that still means our group is going to be very tough as we'll have to face off against a one seed and a two seed.
We really don't want to get drawn into Group C, Group F, or Group H. None of the possibilities are very palatable, but if I had to choose I'd go with Group A. Chelsea have proven tough opponents but Benfica is possibly the weakest #2 seed.
Group B it is. This is doable. Real Madrid are going to hurt us and Club Brugge is tougher than your usual fourth seed, but we should win at least three of our six matches in this group and advance. I may be underestimating PSV, though, they did make a run to the semifinals in last year's Champion's League.
I'm optimistic about our chances in Group B, and glad that we didn't get screwed by the draw.
I guess we also have to compete in the League Cup as well. Newly promoted Leeds will be our opponent, and even with an away game we should advance handily.
You're listed as having a professional personality, El Sayed. Why the hell are you coming to me with this?
And no, I am absolutely not selling you five days before the end of the transfer deadline. Know your role.
At Norwich City, August 27, 2022
Premier League
The Canaries are turning into something of a bogey team for us. We haven't won a league match against our former parent club since April of 2020 three seasons back. We need to win, though, if we want to keep pace with the other megabastards atop the table. If we don't, expect to hear all about how my attention to the USMNT is hurting Wrexham in the tabloids.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: El Sayed, Cirjak, Laux, Todd, Suslov, Mair, Petts, Collett, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Bastable.
Subs: Kovacevic, Reed, Feruga, Morvan, Bailey, Taborda, Cardozo.
We're clanging away at the Norwich defenses, and the only thing of interest in the first hour is that Oleg Suslov got himself carded within the first minute. I warn him at the half to watch himself, and send the lads back out to finish battering down the walls before the goal. Then Suslov commits a second obvious yellow card infraction, and we're down to ten men for the last twenty-five minutes. A minute later Cirjak has to come off due to injury, knocking out both of our starting fullbacks. Cursing, I put us on the counter-attack as Norwich comes alive and tries to find the winner. We hold on for the draw, and drop points that will be vital come the spring. Time to prep myself for a bollocking at the hands of those ink-stained wretches. Time to give one to Oleg Suslov as well.
Man of the Match: Matthias Laux
Norwich 0-0 Wrexham
I told you specifically to watch your step after getting carded in the first half. And you go out and screw over your teammates. What sort of jerk are you?
Luckily Cirjak isn't badly hurt, or the combined age of our starting fullbacks in the next match would be 36.
One of the few bright spots from our miserable start is Mattias Laux showing his stuff. He's the only member of the squad to even be in contention for any of the monthly awards.
One of our major problems has been that our players seem to have amnesia. Despite returning almost our entire starting 11 our players have mostly forgotten how to play the 4-2-3-1.
The transfer window closes, and Arsenal has opened up their pocketbook with a £107m spend in an effort to restore themselves to the Champions League. We were no slouches ourselves, spending close to £50m.
That still means we've sold more than we've bought, though.
Our salary continues to increase. We're still well below the megabastards, spending less than half of Manchester City, but we're firmly ensconced within that second tier. I wouldn't be surprised if our first £100k/wk player shows up in a year or so.
The USMNT is picked. The biggest surprises to the media are Isaac Parsons and Hunter Fisher, both young prospects that I want to get settled into the squad early so that they'll be ready for the 2026 World Cup.
Meanwhile, most of the first team gets called up, the biggest change in the game now that I'm both club and country manager is losing the international break breathers were I could sim a couple weeks in relative peace and quiet.
Petts is still very much a part of the England setup, which means that there's one more person I need to worry about getting injured away from the club.
Time to hop across the pond and show this motley crew what type of man motivator I am.
An auspicious introduction, now if we can just get past the Belgians and the Irish I can start pressuring dual nationals to come check out our results and decide to play for us.
I'm going to try and abide by these requests. As a club manager I know exactly how irritating it is to have your players run out there when you've requested that they play a limited number of minutes.
Let's see what the old US of A has got. We're going to be using the 4-5-1 Counter, the two best American players are midfielders with attributes best suited to counter-attacking and they're both young enough that they'll be major figures in our next World Cup squad.
vs. Belgium, September 2, 2022
International Friendly
The Belgians aren't the force that they were in 2014-2018, but they're still a very good international team. Even a draw here would be nice. The real goal will be to see who can be contributors in our first international competition, the 2023 Gold Cup. I have hopes for guys like Toninho, Woods, Padilla, Carroll, and Munk, but it's going to take a while before I can start trusting them to hold down a spot in our lineup.
Starting Formation: 4-5-1 Counter
Starting 11: Toninho, Parsons, Needham, Bruno, Erlic (c), Padilla, Ramos, Woods, Perez, Munk, Carroll.
Subs: Salazar, Gaspar, Bartlett, Latham, Cruz, Spence, Gordon, Burman, Fisher, Lenz, Mancini, Anderson.
The Belgians only get one shot off all game. It's not on target. Unfortunately, we don't score either. It's looking like our defense and our midfield will be strengths, but we're going to have trouble scoring goals with this team. Still, a 0-0 draw where we outplayed our higher ranked opposition is something to build from.
Man of the Match: Mario Erlic
USMNT 0-0 Belgium
It was a good draw, and if we'd had more finishing we'd have won. I'm going to be trying to build up their confidence first, and results like this will help.
Parsons played well. He's one of the few USMNT players with the potential to play for a club like Wrexham one day. You might recall that I tried to sign him, but he chose to play for the very solid Cruz Azul in Mexico instead.
Ooops.
I don't know who I left in for too long, but it's a mistake I'll try not to make in the future. Sorry, club coach, I understand exactly how you feel!
I knew this day was coming, but it galls me to pay out the final part of the transfer fee when he's not even eligible to play in our next match after getting sent off versus Norwich.
Meanwhile, our 19 year old right back has gotten capped by England. Even if he says he doesn't need to be patronized, he still appreciates my comments.
This will make beating Ireland a good deal tougher.
vs. Ireland, September 6, 2022
International Friendly
I think we can beat the Irish, who are a midlevel European squad that seldom makes the World Cup. If we can scrape a draw with the Belgians and a win against the Irish it'll be a strong start to my international team career. Due to fatigue, injury, and limited minutes we're going to have a different lineup than against Belgium, and that could spell trouble.
Starting Formation: 4-5-1 Counter
Starting 11: Salazar, Latham, Needham, Bruno, Erlic, Padilla, Ramos, de la Rosa, Perez, Munk, Carroll.
Subs: Gaspar, Bartlett, Parsons, Cruz, Spence, Gordon, Burman, Fisher, Lenz, Anderson.
28 year old right winger Dean Perez puts us up in the 8th minute with a third effort goal, and everything is looking wonderful. Then reality intrudes when Ireland score on a poorly defended set piece late in the first half. Things look to be headed towards a US draw or win, though, when Ireland has a man sent off in the 67th minute, but they hit us on the counter with just bare minutes remaining to take the 2-1 lead and the eventual victory. It reminded me of a Wrexham match, we had all the opportunity in the world and came away with nothing to show for it.
USMNT 1-2 Ireland
At least someone is happy right now.
As opposed to two of our important first teamers, neither of whom is all that happy when I call them into the office to congratulate them.
Go ahead, take the money. See if I care. It's not like we don't have £10m more in the bank.
It has not been a good five weeks for me, and now we're going to be missing El Compadrito for the next three.
Wrexham
USMNT
That was not a good run of results. Losing to Manchester City and Chelsea isn't terrible, but scoring just once in three Premier League games is. It's also very clear that I'm going to need to learn how to adjust from being at the helm of a fighter jet at Wrexham to tootling about in the USMNT jalopy.
It's early days yet, we haven't done anything worse than miss out on another Community Shield, and we can easily turn things around. Ergo I'm going to hold off on panicking until I actually have a reason.
